Plan B

Two months of labor,
Original goals not met.
Cutting my trip short.

Ausies have arrived.
Together, we will sight-see.
Ten days for new goals.

Roma for two days,
Firenze and Siena,
Beah beach beach beach beach...

Feeling Stuck

I keep thinking about why I came here. I came here to learn about chickens, chicken breeding, chicken raising, and all things important in the keeping of chickens. I came here - Italy - to do this because of my familial ties, because I am young and able to flit about the world, because I've never ventured out alone like this before.

Well I haven't learned anything. Okay, I've learned how to efficiently fill a tractor with cow shit and straw. I've learned a few Italian words and phrases. I've learned that this farm is too big for its farmer and this partial-free-range, paradise facade does not excuse the tight and dirty quarters of some animals, the birds' corn-infested diet, or the number of dead animals that get carried to the dumpster every week.

And I've learned that it takes money to venture out like this. I'm not within walking distance of anything, the buses are infrequent, and trains and hostles add up pretty quickly. So much for a cultural experience. The "culture" of one small family is not exactly enough for me to feel connected to my Italian herritage or to the vast and significant history of the nation, or even of Tuscany.

So I suppose I've also learned that I don't have patience for monotony that does not serve anyone. If I had money, I'd forget the educational experience in favor of branching out and seeing this country. But funds are limited. If I thought the animals were better off with my help here, if I stood strong behind this farm's project, if I was learning anything useful about raising birds - even if I could find it in a book at the library - I would have some inkling of duty, of dedication in spite of its Sysiphian form. But I don't feel it.

Bad luck? Bad planning? I must learn this next.

Did Poe Do Chores?

The bells! — ah, the bells!

The little plastic bells!

Hold water for the chickens in their pens

In their pens. —

In their merry little pens—

In the cozy, earthen pens

There are bells, bells, bells —

There are bells!

The bells! — ah, the bells!

The green with algea bells!

How horrible a chore it is to scrub

Yes to scrub—
Yes to rinse and scrub—

With a toilet brush I scrub!

And with dish-pan-hands I rub

All the bells, bells, bells —

All the bells!

Subterranean English-Sick Blues

The best part of my day was bailing poopy mud out of a pond with a bucket until the fancy drainage waterfall worked and a swan dubbed it once more acceptable for swimming. The worst part was relizing that it is impossible to be you when you can't hold a conversation with the people around you and the people you meet. I have come so far from the me of twenty-six, fifteen, even ten years ago - from the shy and introverted girl, so unsure of her voice, of her self. I'm proud of the person I've grown into, proud to be friendly, proud to be funny in any company, proud to be confident enough to be proud of myself. And here I am again, feeling stupid when I'm not understood, and feeling isolated when I don't try.

But I wouldn't call it reverting. The things I've seen and done and felt between the past me and the present are still here, pulsing beneath this limited vocabulary. I'm not really the old me, because that me never lived away from home. That me never danced until sunrise, never half-assed an essay, never threw herself into an essay, never loved a boy. This is really just a reminder of how much I am growing and changing every day - a reminder that this phrase isn't just a proverbial sentiment for greeting cards and yearbook signatures. I'm energized and adventurous enough to jump into a country where I barely speak the language, and I'm almost immediately thrust into a whole new existence where that heartbeat of dancing, regret, passion, and love is only for me. Maybe this is a moment of listening. Maybe this is a moment of trust.



(... she wrote in English on her blog and posted for social network viewing.)

The Anti-Dehydration Shuffle

I've decided that the more beautiful and interesting the landscape of a farm, the more complicated it is to bring fresh water to all the animals. A winding waltz takes me from the cow, goats and sheep, donkeys, and pony to the doves and pheasants, to the main fowl area where my partner changes from a cumbersome green gentleman to a more consistent yellow fellow. From the geese to the bunnies to the chicks to the ducks, we swing and sway and soak my sandals. And all the while, one dog or another nudges my knees and elbows for attention. As if remembering every thirsty fowl weren't pressure enough for attention and love. Tomorrow, I'll try to milk the cow and carry straw instead. My wet feet too constantly remind me of this dizzy dance and its unquestionable necessity. Farmhands are important. That is plural, as in having more than one of them.

It's Hard to Maintain Snarky Self-Commentary When You Feel Quite at Home. But I'll Try.

Today, I tasted the first strawberry of the year.
Vivianno and Giovanna told me to think of my one desire,
and the good fortune of this tiny, delicious fruit -
the size of my thumb nail and sweeter than cane -
would make it come true.

Just-ripened berries.
My greatest desire: granted.

When I return to the United States,
I won't have a job.
Love has not been without ill will or irony
for a long time.
And I have never had money.
Any money.

But I couldn't think of a single wish
in this paradise of biodiversity.

Damn! I should have wished for all the manly specimens
of peacocks, geese, and roosters
to calm their calls,
the persistent "my-arm"
and "honk-honk"
and "cock-a-doodle-doo,"
from the hours of midnight through eight in the morning.

Or, more realistically,
earplugs.

You Can't Take It With You

It's strange, what you end up packing.

Just enough underwear,

Just enough shirts,

Two journals,

Three sticks of sealing wax,

Four spare contact lenses,

And not one electric communication device.

What will I end up missing?

What will I wish I'd left?

Che sarà sarà.